Too Busy to Stop and Think
I created the Pelican Protege Meetup with the support of my Pelican, Maestra Giovanna for Pennsic 45 (2016). I didn’t know what to expect, other than a few people getting together to talk. The first time I ran the Meetup, over 40 Pelicans and Proteges attended. Everyone introduced themselves and gave one or two concerns we had about performing service in the SCA. Three topics came up repeatedly with burnout at the top. I always thought that if I were burned out, I would know it.
Saying No Wasn’t the Lesson
As I stated in my last blog, Recovering from Burnout Part 1, I was excited to have a reason to say no. Being able to say, “I’m sorry I cannot because my Pelican won’t allow it,” was very helpful to start. I also felt that if I said yes, I knew I would get a look from her. Perhaps if you’re a Protege you know what I mean. It’s a look that could almost rival a parent’s look. You know, the one that says it all without words when you know you’ve done something wrong. Anyway, I hate that look. Maestra Giovanna is not just my Pelican. She’s my mentor, but more importantly, one of my greatest friends and confidante. I know she’d never steer me wrong. I was thankful that she allowed me to use her as the reason to say no.
Saying no in the SCA is not easy. I do think it gets harder as you get swept away in politics, the drive for awards, or even just the need to prove yourself to others. During my first Pennsic, I was retaining for her Highness AnnMarie. I was so nervous and excited because it was the first time I retained for a Royal. My second shift was during Midrealm Court. I was giddy to be behind the scenes and to see everything up close as people were handed awards and praise. I will never forget her Highness who, kindly and seriously, told me that she was happy I was there. But she also cautioned me to make sure that I took time. She didn’t want me to lose the magic of the SCA so soon. I was in a world of garb, music, flags flying, and giddy about possibly taking on my first office within the SCA. The sights and sounds of Pennsic were like a movie made real. I was sure nothing could ever deter me from how amazing the SCA is. A decade later I didn’t even know that what she had been trying to warn me about had already happened.
Looking back now I can see it. There were so many signs that I misread. Maestra Giovanna stressed her concern about me staying up until four or even five in the morning working on projects or responding to posts on Facebook that were directly involved with the work I was doing in the SCA. I was maintaining a heavier weight (not gaining but not losing.) but was also in a lot of pain. I was tired all of the time and I thought that was normal. I figured everyone was probably going through something similar even when I could barely walk or stay awake at work. The truth was that I was telling myself all of this because I didn’t want to see what was right in front of me.
I wanted to prove that I was worthy of the awards I had and the awards I could earn. Somewhere along the way, I lost the fact that I was a volunteer in a hobby that I loved. I would go to events and spend hours with kids or in conversations about how the policies needed fixing. I was retaining, working gate, moving chairs, leading classes, running whole events, and left little time to spend with friends or do something like take a class I was interested in. I went home at night to analyze reports and try to help recreate Page School. I was answering emails that never seemed to end or making posts to social media and felt constantly watched and micromanaged all the time. I worried if I did something wrong that it would set me back or make a poor example for others. I saw none of this. I told myself that I loved it and it was what I was SUPPOSED to be doing.
Awards within the SCA are a grand and interesting structure. I once thought that getting an award meant that I was leveling up within the Society. At first, it was sort of like a game. It was fun to be told that I could title myself as Lady and having my AoA meant that I had the right to show the arms that I had created. I didn’t allow myself to dream of my Dragon’s heart. But when I got it I remember shaking so hard because I was so surprised and honored. I value and treasure the awards I have received. But I didn’t get them to move me to the next level. They came because I was being recognized for the time and effort I was putting into the SCA.
Her Highness AnneMarie had been right. I had lost the magic of the SCA. I fell into a world of politics. That being said, it’s not a bad thing. It is a different aspect of the SCA. Much like life outside of the SCA, you need to learn to keep a balance between it and everything outside of it. I had started feeling obligated to essentially be a politician of sorts within our organization. I felt that I had to prove myself as a member of the service community. I am blessed to know so many peers who are good friends. I got caught up in trying to be their equal. In doing so, I was learning but also losing bits of myself along the way. I learned not to say no.
What I was experiencing was a need to fit in and be good enough. I had learned that there were parts of me physically and mentally that weren’t like other people. To me, that just meant I needed to work twice as hard to fit in. I wanted to prove to people that I could be great too.
What I couldn’t see was that saying, “no,” was not the lesson my Pelican was trying to teach me.
Sometimes it takes a different perspective to hear what others are trying to tell you. I had a friend not long before the pandemic started who told me that I needed to go get some help because she noticed me scratching at my arms. I knew something was a little off inside me and had been for years. I bottled things up and didn’t talk about them because I had been taught not to cause stress for others. In fact, I was there to reduce it. I was very young when I was improperly taught that lesson. It led to me having generalized anxiety, OCD, and a couple other possible diagnosis. For years I dealt with a lot of pressure within me that I was constantly using the outside world to mask it. If I kept busy then it didn’t exist.
Inside my mind was a storm of thoughts constantly going and criticizing my every waking moment. It was full of things to do and thoughts that I would deal with later. Not only was I trying to prove myself within the SCA, I was using it to medicate my anxiety.
Spoiler alert: It added to it, not made it better.
In the meantime, I was continuing to say no. I was even learning that I didn’t need to have Maestra Giovanna as an excuse to say it. I was able to give time at events but also have time for myself. However, at this point, I realized that I had kept myself so busy in and out of events that I didn’t know a lot of the people around me, including within my local group. The good news is that I was going to therapy and I was starting to work through my anxiety and learn ways to manage it and the symptoms of ADD and even autism. (Not an official diagnosis.)
The labels didn’t matter but learning about how my brain works did give me access to resources where I could start learning how to better care for myself and communicate with others. Between this and Maestra Giovanna encouraging me to step back, things were getting better. I was sleeping more. I had more time for projects. I was able to focus more on what I needed to do as each item fell off my list. I started looking forward to taking a couple of months off with no volunteering, even if it was still a couple of years away. (I had taken on the Chatelaine Office for Cynnabar just before I was told to start saying no.) I was feeling more organized and confident.
I thought I was learning to say “no.” The lesson Maestra Giovanna was teaching me was not about saying no. It wasn’t even so much a lesson as it was that she could see that my candle was burning at both ends and was running out.
Burnout
Most of my obligations and volunteering had wrapped up by the time the pandemic started. The only thing I was left with was my office as Chatelaine, and that was fairly new. Practices, meetings, and events were starting to shut down all over the Kingdom and I worried deeply about the people in our group. I wasn’t hearing much and I was afraid if we didn’t find ways to connect that the members of Cynnabar could potentially grow apart from each other. As Chatelaine, a major part of my job is retention. With the help of Beth (the Social Media officer of Cynnabar) and a few others, we virtually created Cynnabar University, events, and meetups for our local group. Everyone was mentally taxed but the meetups were helpful. I believe they are a huge reason that we remain the group we are today.
Even though the virtual meetups were only once a week, there were times when it just felt too much. The Pandemic was a heavy weight on everyone. People lived their lives virtually. I was working 10-hour days at work, often without enough time for a break let alone eat food. On Days that I did Virtual SCA, I may have spent nearly 16 hours straight online. I was thankful that Beth and I were there to back each other up when needed. I love Cynnabar and everyone in the group, but there were times I just wanted to cry knowing that it was another week I had to be on. I would be happy to see everyone and spend time with them. It wasn’t a burden by any stretch of the imagination. I was happy to be doing it but also overwhelmed.
Eventually, meetups started to go back to in-person. Some were still online. Even now, we run a hybrid meeting which has helped with retention. My want and need to be at SCA activities warred with my fear of getting COVID-19 and dying. The nice thing is that I had been forced to spend a lot of time with myself and I learned to face the pressure of my past that I had been masking. The problem was that I felt like everything was out now and that trying to deal with it all felt very heavy.
Even though 2 years had passed I would occasionally still say that my Pelican told me I wasn’t allowed to volunteer for anything more. I used that when I felt like I wasn’t doing enough but reminded myself that I was still not allowed to volunteer. I had stopped adding new tasks through the pandemic. Sometimes I would take a break from SCA activities for a short time. I still felt like saying no was a lesson that Maestra Giovanna was trying to teach me.
It would take me another year before I learned that she wasn’t teaching me to say, “No.” Eventually, I did reach the end of my term as Chatelaine. I took about 8 months off with barely any contact with the SCA after that. (I followed along on social media but only with my local group so that I wasn’t completely out of touch with what was happening.) The real lesson I had to learn was harder to put into words. I couldn’t learn the lesson in the SCA because the problem wasn’t about just my role in the SCA.
Protege Life 