I have been away too long! Actually, In some ways I have felt that I am failing in my quest to keep up a blog for a year. The last couple months had tripped me up and I felt like my brain took a mental vacation. Since coming back from Pennsic our group has had a huge jump in new comers. This is really great but still, I had felt like something was missing. Not just in the SCA but life in General. Things started to go crazy and somewhere along the way I managed to lose control.
So, one night while riding home with my Pelican I swallowed my pride and admitted that things just weren’t right lately. That I felt out of control. Now a lot of this stems from a few different things. The first being that I’m still dealing with the passing of my mom. (It will be two years in a couple weeks. Anyone who’s lost someone that close can understand how two years is not very long at all.) Even as I write this, it is hard for me to say. Part of me is even considering erasing it and keeping it to myself. But then again, that’s how we get into these situations, by tucking it away. So what does this have to do with the SCA and this particular blog?
Well, after losing my mom I found just how much the SCA was a part of my life. I found friends that I have no trouble calling family. I have found strength in letting others stand beside me and learning it is okay to borrow from that. So on this particular night riding home with Mistress Giovanna, I took the leap and decided to lean a little on her.
Since before becoming her protege, I had asked for her help in figuring out my path in the SCA and even then she told me the SCA is only a part of my life, a lesson and part of my oath that I have mentioned a couple times before in this blog. Yes, it is a part of my life but I also had forgotten that it is my life and that SCA does not exist outside of my everyday life but rather right along side it.
In the last year I moved out of my house, I have had two new jobs, I have taken offices in the SCA and I have started to make a different life for myself. But I lost the point of the SCA.
Three Pennsic’s ago I volunteered twice to retain for her Majesty AnneMarie. She at one point looked at me and told me that I should spend more time enjoying Pennsic because she didn’t want the magic to fade. It was a big piece of advice that I never forgot. Also, part of me didn’t believe it could be true. I remember riding into that event to a sea (a quarter of what it was to be) of tents and Baroness Hannah calling me. My response was, “WOW! JUST WOW!” Not long before that she and others had thanked me for coming and asking question after question. She said it reminded them of why they do what they do. Why all of it matters so much.
And I thought, Not me. Never me.
Until I realized that somehow, I had lost some of the magic. But nothing had changed, so how is that possible? I still attended events as I do. I’ve learned amazing thing and discovered talents that I still can’t believe… So, where did the magic go?
I lost who I was and why I was there.
When I first began, I really didn’t know what I would do with the SCA. And then I started learning that I could paint, I can dance, I can sing, I can run events, serve the crown, be part of proposals that nudge the society into being what it is today. But what happened to the magic?
I forgot why I was doing what I was doing.
Mistress Giovanna has stressed many times:
-What are you goals?
-What does it take to reach them?
And I’d go and say something like, I want to learn how to play this insanely hard instrument in the next 3 months. (Okay, I didn’t say that exactly, but you get the point.)
She’d ask:
-How does that support your goals you have now?
-How Important is this to you?
Well, the crazy awesome instrument has nothing to do with my current goals and it’d just be cool to do. If I don’t do it I lose nothing and it will always be there for me to try later.
So what are my goals. I realized the other night that I could name three off the top of my head.
1) I’d like to be Kingdom MoY (Minister of Youth) someday.
2) I am becoming Pentamere Regional MoY and I really want to work hard on the office to build it up from the amazing work it’s already been through.
3) I would like to someday be Cynnabar Seneschal.
So playing that really hard instrument doesn’t have anything to do with these goals I really want. But why do I want these particular goals? Again, why had this once been so huge and magical to me but has come to dull?
Because I forgot. I forgot the way it felt to walk into a ball and see what I could only dream of participating in while watching movies. I forgot what it meant to walk out and see dozens of flags flying against a cloud dotted sky. I lost the ability to remember what it was like to hear music and fill me with the need to dance. The banging of drums making my heart pound in rhythm as a crowd of us marched through on lookers to the field. Or how that smile of a child lifted my heart.
I forgot because the balls became dances I felt I had to learn and remember every step to. That the flags flying became part of something I saw all the time, normal, common. The music became something that had be done in work so that others could dance. The drums were a novelty, an expected backdrop sound. The walk out to the field was something we had to do through wet grass that brushed our ankles and left us soaked for hours. The smile of a child was just another smile that came from carefully planned activities.
What I should be seeing now, as someone who has been in the SCA for three and half years is the dances of which people dance with heart because it brings them joy and that those dances were accomplishments. That the flags flying through the air are symbols of what we stand for be it the marking of our kingdoms, region, Personal Heraldry, household, guilds or whatever. They are the silent scream 10-20 feet in the air that says, this is who I am and I fly this with pride, because, I’m worth it. And most amazingly done by the owners own hand. So stunning, A light that doesn’t glow yet shines brighter than the sun on the battle fields. Or the drums… The drums that call to war. The war I want so badly to look and see the death of those who die on the field who can’t be the same because it was on their honor to admit that death, the bow out of the game in the way it would have been done back then, a sign of loyalty to those we trust and hold in our hearts, our Queen and King of which everything is done to keep safe. And that wet grass is nothing because here I stand, not a fighter but someone who has sworn an oath to serve and do what I can for that very same Royalty. Maybe not a fighter but certainly no less in the way that the water bearers keep our fighters strong and able to remain so for “another battle”. The grass is nothing to the awe of watching thousands gather and stand as one for a common goal.
And that smile of a child? Well, let me tell you.
When I was little I attended an Opera. During intermission I wandered away while my grandparents got me candy and a drink. I managed to find a crack that showed me the people behind the curtain, not the characters. A guy with makeup that hadn’t looked strange from so far away turned and smiled at me. a couple of the actors waved. I waved and ran back to grandma and grandpa. That was nearly twenty-five years ago and I remember that moment. I bet they don’t. I bet those actors that waved to me never thought past it after that night. But I did, because in that moment I was part of them, Noticed when no one else did, or rather, I didn’t think I could be.
This is what I thought of after returning home from tonight’s demo at Michigan University. And I realized and understood Queen AnneMarie, Baroness Hannah and Mistress Giovanna. I found myself talking about making garb and how amazing it is. How it can make you feel pretty. Feel like someone from the past and it can be done with time but doesn’t have to be hard. I found myself laughing and dancing with more spirit than I normally would have has Lord Ermenrich offered to dancing with me. There was not guidance for the dance and my heart pounded in fear I’d make a fool over not knowing the steps as so many gathered around us. Instead when we are done I turned to see Daye cheer about her being able to dance and then high fiving each other because I felt that too, that since of joy and pride for dancing a dance I was so afraid I couldn’t do.
Afterwards we were going to do another dance and the six of us broke away to gather audience to join in. I could have picked whoever but I saw the girl that had watched the dance. The one that might be about five or so. And I offered my hand and reached out to her. I could see she was scared. I could see that she also wouldn’t mind getting a chance to do this. So she took my hand and agreed with her mother’s blessing. I promised her it would be okay, that she could do it. Together we worked through the steps with Mistress Alina guiding the way. at first her steps were unsure but then eventually a smile grew that stuck on her and she turned a couple times to give it to her mother. she made it all the way through and clapped along with the adults when done before running back to her mom.
At that point I introduced myself as the groups Minister of Youth. Before this night I had not expected to see many children since we were, after all, doing a demo for College students. But kids came, many of them actually. I made sure to go out of my way and speak with them. After this particular dance, I asked the girl if she wanted to make a ring. What little girl says no to jewelry? Her mom agreed and so off we went. The ring while simple and not just right turned out perfect because she did much of the work by herself and got all the credit. Her eyes were so bright as she wore it on her finger and showed her mom the ring she was responsible for, the thing that SHE did.
It didn’t have to do with me having the materials. It didn’t have to do with youth activities. It had nothing to even really do with the SCA. What it did was show a girl she could do two things adults do and call it her own and she glowed with joy. And when her mom, after dancing, asked her if she would want to do more of it, the girl jumped on her heals and nodded her head. She learned history. She learned a skill she’s probably never dreamed of and it brought her so much joy and excitement.
Those are the eyes I want to see the SCA in everyday. The one where the magic does mean the unbelievable but rather the magic that shines brighter and is there every weekend I walk into an event, Every day I show up to a dance or fighter practice regardless if I participate or not. I never really lost the magic in the end. I just forgot to see it.
I forgot because I started to feel like the things I want to do were things I had to do and that isn’t true. I can say no. I can even do it to myself. Or I can say, it can wait. That cool instrument isn’t going anywhere. That office will eventually be empty and there will always be an opportunity to serve. The SCA is magic, because there is nothing like it. Somehow, I forgot that and in forgetting it, I let things spin out of control.
Recently, I’ve picked myself up. I’m reassessing my goals and what is important to me (With great help and guidance from Mistress Giovanna). After tonight, I remember why youth is important. I remember the feeling of why I started to do it in the first place two years ago and why I want to be Kingdom MoY and be part of that web of people who are ushering in a new generation of which someday will be our Seneschals, Ministers of Youth, Marshals… Our Peers.
I want to be the best for them and show them how awesome the SCA is but first, I needed to remember it myself.
Coronation is this weekend. I’m so excited for it that I’m giddy! I can’t wait to walk through the doors. To look at people in garb and to see myself as part of the past. To remember how lucky I am to relieve this every weekend. To be, once more, a part of the magic.
Protege Life 