Recovering from Burnout Part 1

It Has Been Too Long

I want to start out by quickly acknowledging that it has been several years since my last post, though it feels like only one or two. Before the pandemic started it had been about a year and a couple months without a post here. I started this blog just before I became Maestra Giovanna’s Protege, because there was very little information online that I could find in regards to what it was like to be a Protege in the SCA. As you can see from the title, I did burnout for some time and that had really started to affect me following the event, Ruby Jubilee. After some thought I considered that maybe too much time had passed to return to my blog. On the other hand, this is the reality of what has happened to me. Talking about burnout is important because it is something that many members of the SCA have, or will go through at some point. Some don’t come back after experiencing burnout. Some don’t participate as much. Some might come back having learned lessons that they didn’t know needed learning. For me, I believe having had burnout is helping me to find my place within the SCA once again. I am glad I have learned lessons from this experience and to be returning. To remember why I love being here in the first place.

The Past in a Nutshell

I stepped down from the Kingdom Youth Office after volunteering for 10 years either at the Local, Regional, or Kingdom levels. When I reached the end, I realized that I had done all that I could do with that office. I had been so focused on the Youth Office that it had become part of my identity. When I stepped down, I didn’t know who I was anymore. So I started taking on other odds and ends to try and find my place within the service community again.

I admit, I didn’t want to be doing all of the volunteering that I was doing. I felt if I could do it when someone asked me, then I should be doing it. I had some good ideas for what I wanted to do with different offices and projects. The problem was that I was taking on so many things that I didn’t end up having enough energy to put the ideas into action. 

Sometime between Ruby Jubilee and 2020, I lost my ability to see what all of the extra work I was piling on myself was doing to me physically and mentally. I took on 2 baronial offices and volunteered to do several other volunteer projects while working a 40 hour job.I kept saying, “I’m fine!” or laughing it off and saying, “I can do this!”

At some point I forgot my promise to my Pelican, Maestra Giovanna.

“…have a life of which the Society is only a part… To strive for excellence in all you do… To help and accept help…”

The amount of volunteering I was doing started to have repercussions on how well I was doing with each task.  I felt like I couldn’t say no because I had to show people that I could do whatever it was being asked of me. I wanted to be that person that could do all the things and be there for everyone no matter what. I could be counted on. I didn’t want to be seen as the person who wasn’t willing to help out in some way.

In service to the SCA it is easy to get caught up in the emotions, politics, and actions that it takes to serve. I never noticed what was actually happening to me, but others could see the changes. Through 2019 I found myself more exhausted. I was juggling all the balls but had so many that I couldn’t really use them for anything. So the offices I was in were properly reporting to regional and the bare minimum was getting done. My service was going okay but was not my best. Certainly I had forgotten the part where I was “to strive for excellence in all I do.” because I found it hard to say no. I was a hamster on a wheel that couldn’t stop running.

Learning to Say No

Maestra Giovanna started to tell me that I was banned from saying yes to new opportunities for volunteering. And for a short time, I treated it as something that was fun but should have been taking it more seriously. Over time it led to her telling me that I am not allowed to say yes to anything more. That eventually I would need to take at least a 3 month break with no volunteering at all. This was in the later part of 2019. There was a greater lesson than simply saying no that Maestra Giovanna was trying to teach me and I wasn’t willing to see it at that time. 

It was nice for a while to have the excuse to say “Sorry, my Pelican said that I could not do any more volunteering at this time.” Sometimes, I would say yes. And sometimes there would be serious talks with Maestra Giovanna about the choice I made to say yes to a specific action. I was not able to say “no” right away. It was hard because I felt like I was letting others down.

The amount of work I was doing mixed with the restrictions of not being able to say yes led to a lot of thought and questioning of who I was in and out of the SCA. I started wondering if I would have a purpose within the SCA while simultaneously forgetting that the SCA was meant to be “only a part” of my life.

I kept telling people that I wasn’t burned out. That I loved the things that I was doing. I could tell that something was off but couldn’t explain what it was. I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t have time for projects. I didn’t know who people were in my local barony because I had been so busy with paperwork and volunteering that I lost the connection to my friends within my home group. I was tired and getting maybe 4 hours of sleep at night, if I was lucky. While my mental health was in a much better place than it had been previously, I realized that I was starting to feel on the outside of what was going on around me. 

By the end of 2019 I started to realize that Maestra Giovanna had been telling me I needed to learn to say no. Even though she had said it many times, I was starting to actually take her advice to heart. I still didn’t realize it was about me experiencing burnout then. I just thought she wanted me to slow down a bit so I could focus and excel at the things I was doing rather than maintain the bare minimum requirements to get by. 

Turns out, learning to say no was a very small part of a much greater lesson that would take me 4 years before I truly started to grasp what she was trying to teach me.

Stay tuned for part 2. (Now available! Click here!)

Recovering from Burnout Part 3

I’m Back!

The interesting thing with recovering from burnout, or really anything, is that it’s a process. When it comes to non-physical injuries (so-to-say) it is hard to know when you’re done healing. In my previous two blogs I talked about what it was like getting burned out but then how I started to realize that the burnout was real. We touched a little bit on how I dealt with it and how it lead to where I’m at currently. I haven’t written since then because I think I had caught up to where I was. But now I have to put that into action so I didn’t quite know what this blog would look like.

After having lost my way in the SCA, I believe I have found it. I was once told in a discussion with the now-heads-of-my-household that if you want to be a peer and change the SCA that the way to do it is find a hole and fill it. As I attended Pennsic last year, I realized there wasn’t so much as hole. It couldn’t be a hole because there wasn’t even ground for the hole to exist.

The Problem

I was burnt out from Service. I was in a community where people talked about service (Often in not the kindness of ways.) but there was no place where we could meet as a community. We had no place where we could gather and start to support each other so that we could build each other up and help our society thrive. Sure, maybe we had one or two other people who had done the job or an officer above us, but they too were often in the same position, just with more work than previously. We don’t give ourselves credit for the things we do. We don’t allow ourselves space to teach. And the support of a community is hard when there is no home for that community to grow and thrive together in.

It is important that children learn from parents so they may grow up and do things so that they can do those same things for kids as they get older. Without discipline and guidance, who nurtures? Who can thrive when there are supports to hold one another up? This is my ground to stand on. If that place doesn’t exist, surely it can be built. Giving a space for people to learn, grow, connect, and get support may not cure burnout, but certainly it can improve it.

Service Networking

Burnout was hard and sometimes scary, but I realized that I didn’t need to “fit in” because that wasn’t going to make things better. I needed to be the person to experience burnout because without it, I wouldn’t be doing what I am now. I have built a service library (to be launched Feb. 10th, 2024) and have started creating spaces within social media where people can come together and get the support they need. This wasn’t my place to fit in. This was my ground to stand so that others may land as well and don’t feel the way I did previously.

I am in no way saying this is a cure for burnout, but it is a start to nourishing each other so that hopefully, we’ll be able to support and grow in a community that didn’t have a space of their own previously. I don’t know many people who focus specifically on service for their service in the SCA. I have decided to call it Service Networking.

I started writing this blog tonight because I didn’t know I was ready to write it until just now. I started a Facebook group for people who volunteer in the SCA called Midrealm Service Networking. It’s a safe place to talk, participate, learn about opportunities, announce what people are working on, get feedback, etc. It now has 121 people in it. I felt it was time to start moving forward on connecting the community to each other.

You can find the group HERE.
Or by going to https://www.facebook.com/groups/midrealmservice

Today I posted a question:

My Response

I wanted people to start thinking about how others often feel the same and that see that there is support out there as well. One of the members responded (You can read it if you like by following the link above.) which prompted me to start replying to them. It was at this point, that I realized that I hadn’t been ready to write this blog until I had already begun writing it.

“That work-fun balance is so important with the SCA. I remember attending an event in my local group to find that I was unfamiliar with 50% of the people there. I was actually very sad from this because this was the space and group of people I called my chosen family.

I was a kingdom officer and wearing multiple service hats that had me so busy at events that there was no time for play in or outside the SCA. While I was at events it was meeting after meeting and a lot of enforcing rules (at the time because a LOT was changing quickly in regards to youth participation at events.) It literally depressed me that what was supposed to be fun was a second non-paid job. Partially because there were maybe 3 or 4 people in the whole kingdom qualified to do it.

When I stepped down, I realized that it hadn’t only just been a job but had become my identity. I didn’t know anymore what I was supposed to do or where I fit in within the society. I tried several different things but nothing really felt like it clicked the way it was supposed to (or rather how I felt it was supposed to feel.)

Coming back after the pandemic I finished up the last of my commitments and disappeared for 8 months. (A lot of wonderful and awful stuff happened outside the SCA in those 8 months but that wasn’t why I didn’t participate.) In the end, I realized there was a lot less stress. To be honest, I went to Pennsic last year with the consideration that if it didn’t go well, I may not return. Sure, I’d probably pop in from time to time because I care about friends and my local group. But I wasn’t going to push myself for something that I felt was causing me stress.

Going to Pennsic I did a LOT of talking to a LOT of people. And particularly a lot of peers. The information and insight I gained felt important and I realized that I was my own worst enemy. I was hearing from a lot of people about burnout, or obligations, or not feeling they had support. The more I talked at Pennsic, the more I realized that I wasn’t alone and a lot of people experienced much of the same at one point or another.

I asked myself, “Why am I here and pushing myself so hard?” I didn’t like a lot of the answers I had for myself.
-Because who else will help?
-I feel pressured to show people what I can do.
-I want to get ahead and to do that, work is hard.
-It’s what people expect of me.
And so on.

As I started to say “no” (This was mandatory by my Pelican. I can discuss this more if people want to know, but it literally took me 4 years to process what was happening.) I realized that if people were passionate enough and really wanted the things that I was working to save, someone else WOULD step up. And if they don’t, then maybe that thing we’re trying to keep afloat isn’t worth floating. Sometimes we realize if we walk away, someone else will say, “Wait! I’ll help!” or maybe they won’t. And if they won’t, then is it important enough for me to risk my physical and mental health to do so?

I’m not going to lie. It’s only been a few months since I started to understand this concept. And this concept is directly linked to what I discovered through my own, and others, being burnt out in the SCA. I myself am still a work in progress. Right now, I know I’ve hit a limit because I’ve been focusing a lot on SCA things I’ve volunteered for. I also still have Christmas decor up (That I should be taking down right now LOL) because I’ve been focused on SCA stuff. It’s been fun but I’m also recognizing that I am not forcing myself to balance at the moment either.

In this case, I see that I have neglected some of my non-SCA life to make up for it. (This includes Christmas stuff being up, and not sleeping more than 6 hours a night. Some of that is due to hyper-focus which happens for people who have ADD.) I know that right now if I continue to add that I will get burned out. I am NOT at this moment burned out, but I can feel that scale getting heavier (as well as the knowing stare of my Pelican! 🙂 )

Coming back from burnout I think is exciting but also kind of like a concussion. If you’ve had it once you’re susceptible to experiencing it more…

…No one should have to deal with it chronically. That’s part of the reason I created this group because this situation, shouldn’t be a normal for anyone in the SCA.”

As I mentioned above, I’m not perfect. I am still recovering and learning how to do deal with burnout. It’s a process that I hope, as time goes on, that as a community we’ll find ways to support each other and recognize it in others so that we may give the care they need.

A New Beginning through Service Networking

I believe that if and when we come together that we’ll see service more positively and people will feel lifted and encouraged to continue.

Feel free to reach out to me any time if you’d like to discuss more about burnout!

To learn more about me and what I do, Please visit my website at https://cearasca.wixsite.com/ceara or you can email me at cearasca@gmail.com

Recovering from Burnout Part 2

Too Busy to Stop and Think

I created the Pelican Protege Meetup with the support of my Pelican, Maestra Giovanna for Pennsic 45 (2016). I didn’t know what to expect, other than a few people getting together to talk. The first time I ran the Meetup, over 40 Pelicans and Proteges attended.  Everyone introduced themselves and gave one or two concerns we had about performing service in the SCA. Three topics came up repeatedly with burnout at the top. I always thought that if I were burned out, I would know it. 

Saying No Wasn’t the Lesson

As I stated in my last blog, Recovering from Burnout Part 1, I was excited to have a reason to say no. Being able to say, “I’m sorry I cannot because my Pelican won’t allow it,” was very helpful to start. I also felt that if I said yes, I knew I would get a look from her. Perhaps if you’re a Protege you know what I mean. It’s a look that could almost rival a parent’s look. You know, the one that says it all without words when you know you’ve done something wrong. Anyway, I hate that look. Maestra Giovanna is not just my Pelican. She’s my mentor, but more importantly, one of my greatest friends and confidante. I know she’d never steer me wrong. I was thankful that she allowed me to use her as the reason to say no. 

Saying no in the SCA is not easy. I do think it gets harder as you get swept away in politics, the drive for awards, or even just the need to prove yourself to others. During my first Pennsic, I was retaining for her Highness AnnMarie. I was so nervous and excited because it was the first time I retained for a Royal. My second shift was during Midrealm Court. I was giddy to be behind the scenes and to see everything up close as people were handed awards and praise. I will never forget her Highness who, kindly and seriously, told me that she was happy I was there. But she also cautioned me to make sure that I took time. She didn’t want me to lose the magic of the SCA so soon. I was in a world of garb, music, flags flying, and giddy about possibly taking on my first office within the SCA. The sights and sounds of Pennsic were like a movie made real. I was sure nothing could ever deter me from how amazing the SCA is. A decade later I didn’t even know that what she had been trying to warn me about had already happened.

Looking back now I can see it. There were so many signs that I misread. Maestra Giovanna stressed her concern about me staying up until four or even five in the morning working on projects or responding to posts on Facebook that were directly involved with the work I was doing in the SCA. I was maintaining a heavier weight (not gaining but not losing.) but was also in a lot of pain. I was tired all of the time and I thought that was normal. I figured everyone was probably going through something similar even when I could barely walk or stay awake at work. The truth was that I was telling myself all of this because I didn’t want to see what was right in front of me. 

I wanted to prove that I was worthy of the awards I had and the awards I could earn. Somewhere along the way, I lost the fact that I was a volunteer in a hobby that I loved. I would go to events and spend hours with kids or in conversations about how the policies needed fixing. I was retaining, working gate, moving chairs, leading classes, running whole events, and left little time to spend with friends or do something like take a class I was interested in.  I went home at night to analyze reports and try to help recreate Page School. I was answering emails that never seemed to end or making posts to social media and felt constantly watched and micromanaged all the time. I worried if I did something wrong that it would set me back or make a poor example for others. I saw none of this. I told myself that I loved it and it was what I was SUPPOSED to be doing. 

Awards within the SCA are a grand and interesting structure. I once thought that getting an award meant that I was leveling up within the Society. At first, it was sort of like a game. It was fun to be told that I could title myself as Lady and having my AoA meant that I had the right to show the arms that I had created. I didn’t allow myself to dream of my Dragon’s heart. But when I got it I remember shaking so hard because I was so surprised and honored. I value and treasure the awards I have received. But I didn’t get them to move me to the next level. They came because I was being recognized for the time and effort I was putting into the SCA.

Her Highness AnneMarie had been right. I had lost the magic of the SCA. I fell into a world of politics. That being said, it’s not a bad thing. It is a different aspect of the SCA. Much like life outside of the SCA, you need to learn to keep a balance between it and everything outside of it. I had started feeling obligated to essentially be a politician of sorts within our organization. I felt that I had to prove myself as a member of the service community. I am blessed to know so many peers who are good friends. I got caught up in trying to be their equal. In doing so, I was learning but also losing bits of myself along the way. I learned not to say no. 

What I was experiencing was a need to fit in and be good enough. I had learned that there were parts of me physically and mentally that weren’t like other people. To me, that just meant I needed to work twice as hard to fit in. I wanted to prove to people that I could be great too. 

What I couldn’t see was that saying, “no,” was not the lesson my Pelican was trying to teach me. 

Sometimes it takes a different perspective to hear what others are trying to tell you. I had a friend not long before the pandemic started who told me that I needed to go get some help because she noticed me scratching at my arms. I knew something was a little off inside me and had been for years. I bottled things up and didn’t talk about them because I had been taught not to cause stress for others. In fact, I was there to reduce it. I was very young when I was improperly taught that lesson. It led to me having generalized anxiety, OCD, and a couple other possible diagnosis. For years I dealt with a lot of pressure within me that I was constantly using the outside world to mask it. If I kept busy then it didn’t exist. 

Inside my mind was a storm of thoughts constantly going and criticizing my every waking moment. It was full of things to do and thoughts that I would deal with later. Not only was I trying to prove myself within the SCA, I was using it to medicate my anxiety. 

Spoiler alert: It added to it, not made it better. 

In the meantime, I was continuing to say no. I was even learning that I didn’t need to have Maestra Giovanna as an excuse to say it. I was able to give time at events but also have time for myself. However, at this point, I realized that I had kept myself so busy in and out of events that I didn’t know a lot of the people around me, including within my local group. The good news is that I was going to therapy and I was starting to work through my anxiety and learn ways to manage it and the symptoms of ADD and even autism. (Not an official diagnosis.)

The labels didn’t matter but learning about how my brain works did give me access to resources where I could start learning how to better care for myself and communicate with others. Between this and Maestra Giovanna encouraging me to step back, things were getting better. I was sleeping more. I had more time for projects. I was able to focus more on what I needed to do as each item fell off my list. I started looking forward to taking a couple of months off with no volunteering, even if it was still a couple of years away. (I had taken on the Chatelaine Office for Cynnabar just before I was told to start saying no.) I was feeling more organized and confident. 

I thought I was learning to say “no.” The lesson Maestra Giovanna was teaching me was not about saying no. It wasn’t even so much a lesson as it was that she could see that my candle was burning at both ends and was running out. 

Burnout

Most of my obligations and volunteering had wrapped up by the time the pandemic started. The only thing I was left with was my office as Chatelaine, and that was fairly new. Practices, meetings, and events were starting to shut down all over the Kingdom and I worried deeply about the people in our group. I wasn’t hearing much and I was afraid if we didn’t find ways to connect that the members of Cynnabar could potentially grow apart from each other. As Chatelaine, a major part of my job is retention. With the help of Beth (the Social Media officer of Cynnabar) and a few others, we virtually created Cynnabar University, events, and meetups for our local group. Everyone was mentally taxed but the meetups were helpful. I believe they are a huge reason that we remain the group we are today. 

Even though the virtual meetups were only once a week, there were times when it just felt too much. The Pandemic was a heavy weight on everyone. People lived their lives virtually. I was working 10-hour days at work, often without enough time for a break let alone eat food. On Days that I did Virtual SCA, I may have spent nearly 16 hours straight online. I was thankful that Beth and I were there to back each other up when needed. I love Cynnabar and everyone in the group, but there were times I just wanted to cry knowing that it was another week I had to be on. I would be happy to see everyone and spend time with them. It wasn’t a burden by any stretch of the imagination. I was happy to be doing it but also overwhelmed. 

Eventually, meetups started to go back to in-person. Some were still online. Even now, we run a hybrid meeting which has helped with retention. My want and need to be at SCA activities warred with my fear of getting COVID-19 and dying. The nice thing is that I had been forced to spend a lot of time with myself and I learned to face the pressure of my past that I had been masking. The problem was that I felt like everything was out now and that trying to deal with it all felt very heavy. 

Even though 2 years had passed I would occasionally still say that my Pelican told me I wasn’t allowed to volunteer for anything more. I used that when I felt like I wasn’t doing enough but reminded myself that I was still not allowed to volunteer. I had stopped adding new tasks through the pandemic. Sometimes I would take a break from SCA activities for a short time. I still felt like saying no was a lesson that Maestra Giovanna was trying to teach me.

It would take me another year before I learned that she wasn’t teaching me to say, “No.” Eventually, I did reach the end of my term as Chatelaine. I took about 8 months off with barely any contact with the SCA after that. (I followed along on social media but only with my local group so that I wasn’t completely out of touch with what was happening.) The real lesson I had to learn was harder to put into words. I couldn’t learn the lesson in the SCA because the problem wasn’t about just my role in the SCA. 

Stay tuned for part 3 and the conclusion to Recovering from Burnout.